No More Guilt

By the time I left work and began my drive home today I was tired, hungry, distracted and my feelings (as they have been for over 8 weeks now) were in a low-boil state of turmoil.

I saw  a sign just past Auke Bay that read "Auke Village Recreation Area" and on a whim turned down the road at the last minute, ready to be outside for a while after having been indoors all day stuck in front of both a computer and a calculator.

As always, I was glad that I decided to stop.  As always, the trails (these ones were paved), the trees, the mountains, the waves crashing gently along the shore, the smiling faces of Juneauites walking with each other and with their stick-carrying dogs, the picnic shelters and fire pits, the lake that each day is becoming just a little busier with boat traffic, the winds, the birds, the mossy pine-needle filled ground all served to calm me.  I am so glad that I stopped..................

When I applied for my job here in Juneau, it was one of about 6 or 7 resumes I sent out across the country around the same time period.  My goal was to find a job in someplace like Wyoming or Montana.  Maybe Colorado.  Maybe even South Dakota.

I had phone intervews from those resumes.  But when this position called upon me I gave it a shot, never dreaming that I would actually get it.  Well.....I got it.

Although there was a lot of trepidation about such a big move, a large part of me was excited about Alaska right from the get-go.  And now, after having actually moved here, I can say that after two months I love it here. 

It is very peaceful and very quiet.  And I needed peace and quiet in my life.  It is very beautiful and a paradise for an  outdoor lover - and I am an outdoor lover. 

Nature and outdoors - the real outdoors - is literally only five minutes from anywhere you are standing in Juneau.  Outdoors is right outside the front door of my house.   Outdoors is everywhere I turn.  Everywhere I look.  I can hear it and feel it and see it every waking minute (when I am not stuck in front of a computer or a calculator)...........

But there has also been a lot of guilt attached to this move.  I won't go into why here - not now - but I will say that I am tired of feeling guilty.  Guilt is draining me a little more every day, and has become such a burden that I just don't want to feel that guilt anymore.

I am here.  I like it very much.  It is beautiful - so incredibly beautiful that it can make you cry.  And I do not want to feel guilty anymore for having a good job, for living in one of the most beautiful cities in the country, for finding a reasonably priced cabin in the woods that provides me with all of nature, sanctuary and privacy, or for loving where I am right now in this time and in this place.

I needed a night light for the stairs leading from the bedroom down to the kitchen.  I bought this little lighthouse for $3 at the Salvation Army store in downtown Juneau today.