Too Much

              

He was laying on his back on the carpeted floor in the bedroom.

I was kneeling beside him.

His eyes were closed.

He was fully dressed but I could see through his clothes.  Through his chest.

And I watched his lungs expand and contract.

Watched the blood flow through each chamber of his heart.

Watched his heart beating strong and regular.

Heard his breathe.   Strong and regular.

Inhale.  Exhale.  Heart beating.  

And then everything began to slow down.

His breathing slowed.

His heart slowed and I continued to kneel beside him, watching it happen.

It beat slower.  And slower.  And slower.

Face unchanged, I calmly whispered his name.

Sean.............

Sean.........................

Sean.

Slower.  And slower.  And slower.

Sean.

I slowly and calmly extended my hands and reached for his shoulders to shake him awake.

My hands slipped through his body and hit the floor as though he was not even there..

I tried again.

My hands slipped through his body.

I tried again.

My hands slipped through his body.

Sean.

Slower.  And slower.  And slower.

And then it stopped.

I watched it stop beating.

I watched as his heart stopped beating.

I whispered his name.

Sean.

But he was gone.

He was gone forever.

I knelt beside him and calmly watched his face.

Sean.

He was gone.

And then I woke up..........................

Yesterday was his birthday.

He would have been 35.

If he had lived.

If he was alive.

If he had not died.

If he was not dead.

But he didn't.  

He's not.

He did.

He is.

I love you Baby.

I tried hard not to think of you yesterday.

I tried very hard.

Because it hurts and after six and a half years it still hurts.

Too much.

Too much.

It hurts too godamned fucking much...........................