Downloaded these pictures of the sheep, the wagon, the horse and the dogs, all onto this blog about a week ago and just didn't have the time, energy or heart to blog.............
I spent last Wednesday fighting a bloody war against one sentence.
One sentence that insisted on violently invading the inside of my head.
The sentence had a life of its own and continually battled to be formed, acknowledged and then answered.
Relentlessly forcing itself over and over into the confines of my brain.
Fifty times?
A hundred times?
More?
I don't know.
All I know is that I spent the entire day waging a battle against that one sentence.
One sentence.
One sentence that I didn't want to hear but which insisted on defiantly screaming at me anyway.
One sentence that I couldn't bring myself to finish.
This time five years ago............STOP.............
This time five years ago............STOP.............
This time five years ago I was trail running.
This time five years ago I was shopping.
This time five years ago I was snapping pictures in the parking lot of a garage while waiting for LC to pick up his truck.
This time five years ago I was driving home from Manchester.
This time five years ago I was answering the phone.
This time five years ago...........STOP.
STOP. STOP. STOP.
I spent the entire day running away from what I was doing five years ago.
Unwilling to feel what I knew I would feel if I kept finishing that sentence throughout the day.............
For 28 years I replayed a similar sentence on his birthday.
Happily, joyfully, ecstatically remembering the day of my first sons' birth.
All day.
Fifty times?
A hundred times?
More?
I don't know.
But 28 years of reliving that day - always eager to call him to wish him happy birthday, and then eager to spend the day remembering what I was doing at different times throughout that day..
This time a year ago, two years ago, tens years ago, fifteen years ago, 20 years ago, 25 years ago, 28 years ago I was...............
As a way to honor his birthday, honor the bond we shared, honor the love I felt for him.
A day every year for 28 years to focus on HIM and remember the joy he brought to me and the love I felt for him.
I don't do that anymore...................
Sean was in grad school and called me at work one day.
He and one of his friends needed to get recertified in CPR, and he called to ask me if I would do the recert.
I told him sure. Of course.
When do you want to get together? It won't take long. I'll bring the mannikins and we'll get it done.
He said "Wait.........you're actually gonna make us DO it?"
I said "Of course.........if my name is going to be on the cards I want to see you guys do it before I certify you!"
He had assumed that because he was doing a recert, and because I was his mother, that I would just sign off on the recertification.
I don't know why he assumed that.
He should have known better...............
I cried every day for over a year.
Eventually the crying stopped and I thought that there couldn't possibly be any more tears left to shed.
I was wrong.
Of course I was wrong.
Of course.
It happens often when I am alone and when I am driving across the endless expanse of empty land between Blackfoot and Atomic City.
As I drive across what the locals refer to as "The Desert".
There is no traffic, no stop signs, no traffic lights, nothing but silent miles of endless and empty land.
Nothing but silent miles and a head that suddenly refuses to be silent.
And my heart breaks all over again. Again. Again.
Again..................
There are things that eat away at me every single day of my life..............
Sean and Jessica had lost a baby the November before he died.
She hadn't been very far along and they both decided to try and get pregnant again right away.
Jess was less than three months pregnant when Sean died.
He didn't even know that he was having a son............
He didn't know that I wasn't leaving Tennessee.
Didn't know that I had decided that I wouldn't leave him again.
Couldn't leave him again...........
He died alone.
There were no goodbyes. No final touches or kisses or caresses. No-one there to comfort him or to hold him.
No-one there for him
He died alone.
He died alone.
Oh God.........he died alone..................
Whenever someone uses the expression "timing is everything" I think of Sean.
He cooked chili until about 9 in the morning.
He was scheduled to be at work at noon.
A few hours earlier or a few hours later and he would have been around people instead of being alone.
People who may have been able to help him.
Timing is everything.
Isn't that what they say?..................
I couldn't save him.
I couldn't protect him and I couldn't save him.............
I couldn't save him.
I couldn't protect him and I couldn't save him.............
One day a person is the center of your life.
HAS been the center of your life for 28 years.
And then you get a phone call and it's all over.
No goodbyes.
No one last look.
One last hug.
One last declaration of love.
Nothing.
One moment he is there. The north on your compass.
And then it's over.
One moment he was there, and the next moment it was as though he had always just been a dream.................
I have questions that the Internet has not been able to answer.
About what happened to my son.
Maybe one day I'll find a way to get them answered.
One day I will find a way to get them answered...................
Sean I miss you Baby.
God I miss you so much.......................
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